


Like a night that lost the moon

by DewingedAngel



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:07:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22542985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DewingedAngel/pseuds/DewingedAngel
Summary: To be completely honest, Hongbin knows a break up isn't the end of the world.He just doesn't understand why it still feels that way.
Relationships: Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Hongbin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 29





	Like a night that lost the moon

**Author's Note:**

> A slight trigger warning for my take on what might have happened during the drinking live Hongbin had done before he's set up his face cam. 
> 
> Most of the fic deals with the pain of a break up, so proceed with caution if you feel fragile.
> 
> But, if I do say so myself, it isn't extremely angsty.
> 
> Kudos to you guys if one of you can guess where I got the title from. Hint : It's a VIXX song :p
> 
> Many thanks to @snakebait for proofreading this for me 💜  
> And please, do yourselves a favour and read their fics. He's a brilliant author! 
> 
> As always, thanks for reading. Do leave me comments and kudos if you liked it enough.
> 
> This one is for you, Bhar 💜

The day Wonshik moves out, really moves out, Hongbin stands on the single step at the entryway that separates the shoe rack and the corridor that leads into the living room, and just stares.

He feels empty.

He wonders if this is all it amounts to, everything they've been through. Silence that rings in his ears and settles deep in his skin, thick and almost tangible. His tongue feels heavy.

He wants to cry and thinks that might help him feel a little lighter, that the crushing feeling might dissipate, but the tears don't come. And he cannot stop looking at the closed door.

"Hongbin," Jaehwan's unusually quiet voice slices through the stillness as he comes to lay a hand on his shoulder. "Come back inside," 

Hongbin sighs and folds his arms across his chest. There's a deep set ache that seems to grow and grow the longer he stands there. It's tormentous. But he cannot make himself stop.

Sanghyuk walks over and pulls him inside. He sits him down on the couch and frowns. "Are you okay, hyung?"

Hongbin looks up to find both Jaehwan and Sanghyuk watching him with something akin to empathy and he shakes his head. "No," he wonders if his voice sounds just as broken as it does to his ears. "No, I'm not,"

"It'll get better," Sanghyuk mutters and contemplates before giving up and patting Hongbin on the shoulder. "You'll get better,"

Hongbin wants to argue, he wants to disagree, he wants to scream. But he's exhausted. 

So, he nods. 

He sleeps on the couch that night, fitfully at that. His bed seems too big, and Wonshik's scent still lingers in the sheets from all those weeks ago when they'd last slept in the same bed. And the box of letters Wonshik thrust at him before one final goodbye is still where he last left it, vying for his attention.

He desperately wants to believe Sanghyuk, then.

  
  
  
  
  


_For even the smallest of your gestures_

_Manages to heal all my festers_

_And you have not the slightest inkling_

_That with you by my side, I will always be twinkling_

_Oh, how I wish to express_

_Of the way I'm in eternal distress_

_But all it takes is a smile of yours, a simple squeeze_

_And it's worth the way my heart does trapeze_

_-Wonshik_

  
  
  
  
  
  


It isn't so bad the first few days. It has been a long time since Wonshik had properly lived with them all at the dorm, after all. But, it's the little things that creep up at unsuspecting moments that throw him off.

He gets up one night needing to use the bathroom and stops dead in his tracks when he steps foot into the corridor connecting all the bedrooms. The ever present stream of light from underneath the door to Wonshik's room that usually illuminates the corridor just enough isn't on, and his world plunges into darkness. 

It's only when he hears Sanghyuk moving about in his room that he gets up from where he's sat with his back to Wonshik's door and wipes away any errant tears.

"You were crying last night," Jaehwan mutters later that morning as he passes a bowl of cereal and milk over to Hongbin and presses his lips together. He places a hand to the nape of Hongbin's neck and rubs small circles with the pad of his thumb. 

Hongbin wants to deny it, but there's no point when Jaehwan is already walking away. 

Hakyeon calls him one night, using the short amount of time he's allowed in his tight schedule. "I heard. Are you alright?"

Hongbin laughs, devoid of any amusement. "What do you think, hyung?"

Hakyeon goes quiet over the line, and Hongbin can imagine the way his lips would be pressed thin, just the way they always tend to be when he's weighing his words. 

"I think you aren't weak. But I also think you will make others worry by not taking care of yourself," Hakyeon replies quietly. "You might not be aware, but Jaehwan and Sanghyuk still live with you, Hongbin. They can see,"

Hongbin bites his lower lip. "I'm fine,"

Hakyeon makes a noise at the back of his throat. "If spacing out every time your phone rings is you being fine, then okay, I won't ask,"

Hongbin presses his eyes tightly. "I will be fine. I just need some time,"

"That's a better answer," Hakyeon says softly. "Let me know if you want to talk. I'll take a day off,"

"That's not necessary, hyung. I'll be okay," Hongbin shakes his head, even though he knows Hakyeon cannot see. "How..,"

"Yes?"

"How is he?" His heart stutters in his chest as he waits for an answer. He asks because he knows Wonshik will speak to Hakyeon. 

"Do you really want to know the answer to that?" Hakyeon asks quietly. 

"No," he thinks he's ready. He wants to believe it. But he knows he isn't. "No. Maybe I'll want to know later. Not now,"

  
  
  
  
  


_Ecstacy doesn't even begin to cover_

_What I felt when you said you'd be my lover_

_Words are not enough to express_

_How I place you atop my fortress_

_-Wonshik_

  
  
  
  
  


He feels a little better when he gets back to streaming. He'd given some bullshit reason for not streaming for a week. But he feels sorry for all the Starlights he's lying to, and he forces himself to stream once again. 

It helps.

His mind is mostly focused on the games. The mundane din to the activity is exactly what he needs, he decides. 

He streams progressively longer and longer, moving from just a few hours to almost twelve at times. He doesn't stop even when his hands hurt. He doesn't stop even when his eyes start to become dry. He's thankful the viewers cannot see his face. He doesn't think he can answer their questions, then.

When he falls into bed, he's so exhausted he cannot even bring himself to think about the emptiness in his very bones. 

And nobody dares to question him when he starts to pull on an old hoodie he had stolen from Wonshik ages ago, despite the sultriness of the summer beginning to creep in.

He just feels cold, summer or not.

  
  
  
  


_Secret glances, shared touches_

_Late night texts, constant blushes_

_Holding hands, interlocking fingers_

_Even unintentional, my heart still lingers_

_Warm hugs, sweet kisses_

_Swirling tongues, biting lips_

_Flushed bodies, pleasured shivers_

_When pondered upon, my heart yet flutters_

_-Wonshik_

  
  
  
  
  


A month of radio silence from Wonshik and he's caught off guard when he walks into a large meeting room for a collaboration with Pepsi and his breath hitches. 

Wonshik is sat in one corner of the room, his arm casually resting on the shoulder of Eunha, and he's leaning into her, his eyes crinkled at the corners, mid-laugh. She must have said something unbearably funny.

Hongbin's heart clenches at the sight. It's been months since he's seen Wonshik look that carefree, that light. 

They had always been good together. But then came the fights. Not the playful bickering that was ever present. This was something different. Something ugly. Something that couldn't be taken back. They snapped at each other for nothing, for everything. They couldn't stand next to each other without breathing down their necks. It had been unbearable for so, so long that the simple act of Wonshik laughing so heartily with someone else, someone who isn't him squeezes his heart in his chest, almost suffocating.

Hongbin smiles awkwardly at the few pairs of eyes looking towards him and walks stiffly to where he finds his name on a small placard perched on the table. Thankfully, he cannot see Wonshik from his spot. 

He spaces out of most of the meeting and panics when he finds everybody get up to leave. He has the presence of mind to input his partner, Hyungwon's, number into his mobile phone, telling him he'll ping him later to brainstorm.

He's got his head down as he walks out of the room, hoping to avoid any awkward eye contact when he bumps into somebody's back and immediately jumps back with an apology at the tip of his tongue.

It dies down when his eyes snap towards the person he's bumped into. 

Wonshik's eyes find his and Hongbin's throat dies at the pure torment he can read through them. 

"Hongbin," Wonshik mutters, his voice low. He has his hands stuck to his sides, the fingers clenching the material of his jacket. 

"Wonshik," Hongbin returns. He gulps when he notices his face, takes in all the details. "You look.....," he trails off, because there's no way to put it without sounding rude.

Wonshik's eyes are sunken deep, his eye bags so much more deeply set than he's ever seen them. He's hunched over, as if the weight of whatever he's carrying is too heavy. His lips are drawn down. His face looks like it has aged multifold in the mere weeks since their break up.

And Hongbin cannot look away. Neither of them can. And they look at each other, thinking of ways to fill the unbearable quietness, but comes up empty.

Hongbin watches Wonshik lick his lower lip, a nervous habit he's tried over and over again to help rid but hasn't been successful at. 

"Can you," Wonshik starts, clasping his hands tightly in front of him and takes a step forward. "Can you at least," and then shakes his head. "Never mind,"

That ticks Hongbin off. He hates it when somebody begins to say something and then decides otherwise. He hates it so damn much. But he also knows he has no right to ask anything of Wonshik anymore. 

"Sorry," Wonshik mutters, and spins on his heels, walking away.

Hongbin stands in the corridor for a long time after, his arms around himself and silently berates himself. He had never thought of himself as someone who would shatter so completely after just a break up.

  
  
  
  
  


_Silly reasons, muted rows_

_Flying curses, broken objects_

_Unshed tears, dwindling hopes_

_Yet again, I remain silent when your heart mopes_

_Wet cheeks, murmured sorries_

_Clasped fingers, honest reconciliations_

_Closed eyes, touching foreheads_

_As always, I only want this to not escalate_

_-Wonshik_

  
  
  
  
  


Hongbin cannot shake the image of Wonshik looking so utterly broken from his mind. He's tried. Nothing has helped. 

"Why are you looking at that?" Jaehwan asks quietly as he peers over his shoulder and narrows his eyes at the article.

"He said we were soulmates," Hongbin replies, his thumb moving over the words on his mobile phone screen. It's an age old article, from when Wonshik had called Hongbin his soul mate, and had said nothing would ever pull them apart. That they would be the best of friends till the end of time. 

"We were friends before we were lovers, weren't we," Hongbin looks up at Jaehwan. "Why is it so difficult for us to fall back on it, then?"

Jaehwan lets out a deep breath. "That's a question you should be asking yourself, Hongbin,"

But he doesn't know. He honestly has no idea what went wrong. They were so good together. Until they were not. And then it was too late. They spiralled so fast towards an impending disaster, he was left to wonder if they ever were any good. 

He remembers the months leading up to their break up. The one major fight that had set off the rest of the events like a domino, until all that was left were the pieces that had to be picked up.

Hongbin had stood in front of the front door, and had waited until past midnight for Wonshik to get back home. He had always been aware of Wonshik's tendency to lose track of time in his studio, but Wonshik had promised. And he had yet to break one of his promises. But, there was always a first time for everything. 

Wonshik had come back to the dorm, well past two in the night and hadn't even bothered with an apology. He had gone straight to bed, and was gone the next morning before Hongbin had a chance to give him a piece of his mind. 

It had taken another two days before Hongbin caught Wonshik in his studio and had demanded an explanation. 

"Hongbin," Wonshik had said, as he buried his face in Hongbin's shoulder. "You do know I'm working to open my own label. It takes a lot of effort, you know that,"

Hongbin did, yes. "You could have called. You could have texted," he had shrugged away and folded his arms across his chest. "It was dinner with your parents, Wonshik. They waited for so long,"

Wonshik had gone silent, then. "I'd forgotten. I'm sorry," 

"You're always sorry. You never make it and then you apologise, like that's supposed to make it better," Hongbin had wanted to scream. He took a deep breath then, and decided. "It's up to you, now,"

"What?" Wonshik had looked so wrecked, so desperate, so nervous, ad he watched Hongbin pace the floor of the dingy studio.

"I'm not going to ask you to choose between your career and me. That's too cruel," Hongbin had shaken his head. "But I will need you to put an effort into this. It won't work like this, otherwise," 

It had worked for a while. Wonshik had at least texted to let him know how he was doing, and where he was, and such. But old habits die hard. And it was too easy for Wonshik to fall back into the patterns of his old routine. 

And then came the uglier fights, the name callings, the hushed apologies, but then, those stopped too. All that was left of their relationship was monosyllabic answers and cold shoulders. Until the silence settled in. Awkward, and distressing.

"Hongbin?" Jaehwan's voice cut through his thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"You need to stop thinking too much about it. You have that Pepsi thing coming up, isn't it? Work on it. Do something. It'll help take your mind off of things,"

Hongbin wants to scoff at that. Because Wonshik is as much a part of that Pepsi thing as he is. And he isn't sure if the air in his lungs will be enough to sustain him when he has to see Wonshik again.

  
  
  
  
  


_I still love you, I want to say_

_Utterly in vain, seem as it may_

_I wish you could show me how to stop_

_I just don't understand why this has to flop_

_-Wonshik_

  
  
  
  
  


When he truly falls back into schedules and twitch streaming, he finds that Jaehwan is right. It does help. And he's so grateful for the silent presence of Jaehwan and Sanghyuk, just for not leaving him to suffocate all alone in the dorms. 

He still cannot bring himself to sit in the living room for too long. The emptiness of the room that is devoid of the large home-system and amplifiers and other equipment Wonshik had, over a period, brought into the dorms, is simply too much. He prefers the solitude of his room, most often.

At times, he thinks maybe this would all be easier if only he could bring himself to hate Wonshik. Maybe if he'd cheated, or had moved on too quickly, or even just tried to date again. Then Hongbin would have a reason to be so angry, so resentful. 

But Wonshik does none of that. Wonshik is the nicest person he's ever known, and probably ever will. 

And ultimately, the ache that remains in his chest is all he has of Wonshik. 

  
  
  
  


_My heart shatters the second you begin to cry_

_I don't know what I'm doing wrong, why it's going awry_

_Please, let me touch you, let me try_

_I cannot bring myself to look at that smile of yours that's so wry_

_-Wonshik_

  
  
  
  
  


It comes as a surprise one day, to find himself standing outside Wonshik's studio, rocking on the balls of his feet and silently wondering how he ended up there, when he clearly had gotten out of the house to get himself some ice cream. Maybe he's an undiscovered masochist. 

He doesn't know how long he stands there. People pass him by in the corridor and nobody really questions him. It's his company too, after all. 

He's contemplating leaving when the door opens and Wonshik steps out in a pair of sweats and a ratty tee and gasps at the sight of Hongbin.

"Hongbin," surprise colours Wonshik's voice. "What are you — come in," he steps aside and opens the door wider to let him in.

Hongbin looks at Wonshik, and then sighs as he enters and closes the door behind him. The studio hasn't changed since the last time he's been there. The same old chair, the comfy couch they had picked up together, and miscellaneous other items. He cannot help but notice a small bag of toiletries lying to one side. 

"Do you stay here?" He doesn't mean to sound so accusatory, really.

Wonshik looks around the small space sheepishly. "Not all the time,"

Hongbin shakes his head. He walks over to the couch and settles himself into it, the feeling of familiarity seeping in. It had been his favourite place to be when Wonshik would play the little tunes he'd come up with. Some were reserved for his ears only.

"Have you had anything to eat yet?" 

Wonshik shakes his head. "I might have had some eggs a while ago,"

Hongbin narrows his eyes. "How long ago?"

"I don't..," Wonshik frowns at him. "What are you here for, Hongbin?"

Hongbin stops halfway through getting off the couch to look for snacks. He sits back down awkwardly. He wants to say he doesn't know, but that would be a lie. He's never lied to Wonshik before. He doesn't want to start now, either. "I wanted to see you,"

Wonshik considers him silently. "Why?"

Hongbin takes a deep breath and wills himself to clear his mind. His heart clenches at the look Wonshik throws him, like he doesn't want him there. "I missed you," his voice cracks.

Wonshik shakes his head and moves closer to the door. "No, no you don't get to say that. Not after everything,"

Hongbin stands up. He moves closer, but stops when Wonshik curls in on himself. "I'm sorry. But I'm not lying. I really do miss you,"

"Please," Wonshik opens the door. "Leave. Just, leave,"

Hongbin does. 

  
  
  
  
  


_I love you, I love you, I love you so much_

_But I greatly doubt that will help this as such_

_This is all my fault, all my fucking fault_

_And at this point, your words hurt more than a lightning bolt_

_-Wonshik_

  
  
  
  
  


He's only half listening to Jaehwan as he sets up a small table next to his the one his system is on and places all the bottles of alcohol he'd gotten from the store a while ago.

"I don't advise this, Hongbin. You're not in the right state of mind to drink on the internet. What if you say something that'll fuck everything up?" Jaehwan frowns, his hands playing loosely with the hem of his tee.

"I'll be fine. I don't get that drunk anyway," Hongbin opens the packet of chips and pours them into a bowl.

"But you will get drunk at one point. What then?" 

Hongbin pauses midway through opening the new packet of tissues and turns to face Jaehwan. "I've fucked up the most important thing in my life anyway. It doesn't matter anymore,"

"Hongbin, that's the stupidest thing you've ever said. This is your career. Not just yours. It's Wonshik's, too,"

"I know. Which is why I'm confident I won't fuck this up. I won't do that to him. But I need to do this,"

"Why?"

"It just," he shrugs. "It feels right. Please, hyung. I need to do this,"

Jaehwan signs heavily and gets off the bed. "You will have both Sanghyuk and I stopping by every once in a while. You're not arguing about that,"

"I know," he smiles softly. He knows, and he appreciates it greatly.

He isn't sure what gets him going, but once he starts talking, all the frustration and anger he's worked so damn hard to capture in metaphorical boxes and not open just break through.

He talks about all the hurt he's felt over the last seven years, of all the times he's felt worthless, of all the times he's simply known he was pulling the entire group down with him, of all the times he's thought of quitting, of all the times he's been judged top harshly, as if he's not human, as if he's not worthy of making mistakes. 

He doesn't even know what game he's playing. He doesn't know what time it is. All he knows is the tightness in his chest that he's been living with for the past few months is starting to alleviate with every word that spills out of his mouth, willing or not.

Sanghyuk comes in once, stops him, asks him is he's alright. He honestly feels better than he has in a long, long time and he tells him so. Sanghyuk doesn't look convinced. 

He comes in again, Hongbin is beyond drunk now. He doesn't even know what Sanghyuk is asking him, what he wants from him, but he answers anyway. Assures him he's good. Sanghyuk walks away reluctantly. 

He's fed up. He's starting to wonder if his career is even worth all the pain he's harbouring. But then he remembers Wonshik, and his heart begins to ache anew. 

He chokes over his own words as he speaks, his chest feels a bit too heavy, his breath hitches uncomfortably and he's positive there are tears streaming down his face. 

He misses him, damn it. 

And he wants to let the fucking world know. 

The door to his room slams open just as he clears his throat a bit and Sanghyuk flies in and mutes the microphone, and he pulls Hongbin away from the chair. 

"Hyung," Sanghyuk places his hands on his shoulders and looks into his eyes. "Hyung, listen to me," 

Hongbin tries, but his eyes are blurring and he cannot see. He settles to nod. 

"Hyung, this is getting out of hand. We thought you were getting better, but you're clearly not. You need to talk to Wonshik hyung. He's equally miserable," 

"I can't," he hates that his voice cracks, but he's also silently grateful the stream is on mute. 

"Yes, you can. And you will. You guys are better than this. We hate to see either of you suffer like this,"

"No," he shakes his head. "You don't get it. He doesn't want to see my face. He hates me," 

Sanghyuk nods. "He's mad you had the audacity to tell him you miss him after everything. I think that's fair. But he doesn't hate you. He will talk to you,"

Hongbin falls silent. 

"And you need to calm down if you want to continue with that stream. I'll cut it short if you don't. You can't go on like this. You're not thinking clearly and we won't let you do this to yourself," 

"I'm fine," 

"No, you're not. Stop deceiving yourself," 

Hongbin averts his eyes. 

"Take a break, get some water into your system. Go take a walk for a while, or just get some air in the balcony. I'll get you something more substantial than those snacks. I'm sure there must be some fried rice from earlier,"

Hongbin watches Sanghyuk as he stands and heads to the door. He sighs. And does as told. 

When he comes back, he's feeling much more clear headed than earlier. There are a lot of comments asking if he's alright, and his heart aches at what he must have put them all through. 

He stops drinking. And with every game he plays there after, his resolve hardens. 

And this time, he is the one who has a poem for Wonshik. Not the other way around. 

  
  
  
  
  


_You're worth the fight_

_You're worth so much more_

_I want to make this right_

_Will you let me through?_

_-Hongbin_

  
  
  
  
  


He's stood outside Wonshik's door, silently marvelling at how close in distance the building he's taken a house in is to their dorm. He's sure, now. He knows why he's here. 

"Hongbin?" Wonshik raises an eyebrow as he opens the door. "How did you —," he shakes his head. "It's late. What are you doing here?" 

Hongbin waves awkwardly. "You weren't sleeping, were you?" 

Wonshik looks down at himself. He's in his pyjamas, but the absence of any crinkle should be a giveaway to the fact that, "No, I wasn't. But why are you here, Hongbin? If you're here to tell me things I don't want to listen to, I'd rather you leave,"

"Don't be like that," Hongbin grumbles as he takes a step forward.

Wonshik clasps the edge of the door tighter. He's vaguely wondering if he should shut the door and forget about the whole ordeal when Hongbin launches himself at him, and he almost loses balance.

Wonshik's arms tighten around his waist and Hongbin makes a happy sound at the back of his throat, nuzzling into Wonshik's shoulder. 

"You're drunk," Wonshik comments as he sighs and pulls him in through the door and closes it.

"No," Hongbin shakes his head. "I was. But I'm not anymore. I'm very clear headed,"

Wonshik deposits him on the couch and stares. "That's exactly what a drunk man would say,"

"Trust me," Hongbin looks at his eyes. 

Wonshik averts his gaze. It's much too loaded and he's nearly not drunk enough to think about any implications. "Why are you here, Hongbin?" He opts to sit on a chair farther away from the couch.

Hongbin looks around the house. It's sparsely decorated, but it's tasteful. He wonders if it would look different if he helps with the decor. 

"Hongbin?" 

"Yeah?"

Wonshik only raises an eyebrow.

"I wanted to talk," he looks down at the hands he's clasped in his lap.

"Go on, then,"

"Are you doing okay?" Hongbin asks quietly.

Wonshik frowns. "If that's what you wanted to know, you could have any of our friends and they'd let you know,"

"That's not true. I asked Hakyeon hyung. He didn't tell me," 

Wonshik shrugs. "Come to the point, Hongbin. You're fidgeting. And that's something you only do when you're nervous," 

"I," he starts and then shakes his head. "I read your letters, your poems,"

Wonshik's eyes clear. "You were meant to. That's why I shoved them at you,"

"The last one, did you mean it?" Hongbin tilts his head. 

Wonshik freezes. "I did, yes," 

Hongbin flinches at the past tense. "What about now? Do you still mean it?" 

Wonshik gets up from his seat. His blood boils. "You have no right to ask me that. None. You broke up with me, Hongbin! Don't you dare put this on me," he's shaking,and he's not sure if it's anger or something entirely else.

Hongbin takes a deep breath. The corners of his eyes are starting to prickle. "I know! And I'm regretting it. I regretted it the second you moved out and I've been doing so every minute after that. Wonshik, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that,"

"You don't get to cry about this. You don't get to make me feel guilty for no fault of mine," Wonshik shakes his head. 

Hongbin gets up as well. "It's equally your fault. I may have been the one to cut things off, but the way things were, it was not solely my fault. We barely spoke to each other by the end. And we fought every time we tried," 

Wonshik falls back into his seat. "Why?"

"What do you mean?"

Wonshik gulps, his fingers dig into his arms. "Why did you call it quits?"

Hongbin looks at him with wide eyes. "You don't know?" 

Wonshik bites his lower lip. It's been bothering him since Hongbin has said they were done. He just didn't know why. 

"Are you kidding me?" Hongbin throws his head back and barks out a humorless laugh. "Wonshik, any relationship has two people in it. In ours, I was the only one trying to keep it going, and I got tired," 

"I was trying! I had so much to do before our contract renewal came up, you know that!"

"I do. But you stopped coming home so often that I couldn't help the doubt that crept in. I thought you were getting tired of me. I thought you were cheating on me. I know that's not true, but I couldn't help it. I was starting to resent you,"

Wonshik's jaw drops open. "Hongbin, I would never do that to you. Why didn't you talk to me about it?"

"When?" Hongbin screams. "When would I have done that? You never had the time," he's positive he's crying.

"I'm so sorry," Wonshik hadn't known the extent of the problems between the two. 

"Why did you think we broke up?" Hongbin asks quietly, wiping away his tears. A load he hasn't know about has lifted off his entire body and he feels so much lighter.

"That's the problem. I didn't know why and I've been tormenting myself with possible reasons. I didn't know this was all my fault," 

Hongbin grunts. "Not all yours. It's equally mine. I should have tried talking to you instead of snapping every time and escalating it all. We were both too hot headed,"

They sit back down and silence falls between the two. But, it's clear and not heavy.

"What now?" Wonshik asks after a while. 

Hongbin takes a deep breath. "I don't know. I just wanted to talk. These past few months have been the worst for my mental health. I want you back, but I'm not sure if either of us ready for a relationship again,"

Wonshik sighs. "Yes,"

Hongbin looks up, confused. "What?"

"My answer to the question you asked some time ago. Yes, I still do feel the same. I've tried getting back into work to keep from thinking about you but it didn't help much. I miss you so much it's a physical ache," 

Hongbin manages a tiny smile. "I miss you, too," 

"But you're right. There's so much to resolve between us. If we get back into something like a relationship without clarity, we'll fizzle out again,"

"Would you want to try to take things slow? I'll do my best to communicate and you try yours to not make me feel neglected. We could start back with friendship, and move forward if it works?" Hongbin tentatively suggests. 

Wonshik's face breaks out into a brilliant smile. "I would love that," 

  
  
  
  
  


** Epilogue  **

** First win anniversary 2019 **

"You're lucky for Military service. You didn't have to witness what a brooding mess Hongbin was. Sanghyuk and I felt the coldness in our bones," Jaehwan whines as he lays his head across Hakyeon's shoulder. 

Hakyeon laughs and cards his hands through Jaehwan's hair with one hand, and grips Sanghyuk's arm with the other. 

"That's not true!" Hongbin quacks indignantly. "I don't mope. Tell him, Taekwoon hyung!"

Taekwoon peers up from where he's stuffing his cheeks with food and rolls his eyes. He gulps it down and clears his throat. "I went to see if he was doing okay and he didn't even bother replying to me. He was busy crying," and then, he sends a beaming smile up to Hongbin in response to the kick to his shins. 

"Wonshik, why aren't you saying anything?" Hongbin demands, pulling his boyfriend's hand towards himself. He secretly smiles to himself when he thinks of how far they've come. It's been a few months since their talk, and they haven't had an argument yet. At least, not with the same intensity. And it's barely been a week since they decided to try this again.

Sanghyuk groans as he flicks a piece of carrot at him. "Stop looking at him like that! You're making me lose my appetite," 

"Wonshik!"

Wonshik sighs. "I —,"

"Oh, shut up," Jaehwan mutters and folds himself across the table to grab Wonshik's plate away. "You were not any better. You better not try to defend. I still have that video,"

Wonshik blanches. "What video?" He asks, with an uncomfortable drop in his stomach.

Jaehwan smirks. 

"Oh!" Hakyeon exclaims. "The one where he's wearing Hongbin's hoodie and babbling about how much he misses him?"

"What!" Wonshik feels his face burn. "I never did that!"

Every single occupant of the table laughs. 

Hongbin's heart fills with warmth and he interlaces their fingers and brings Wonshik's hands up to his mouth and kisses the knuckles, ignoring his friends' frantic shouts and smiles up at Wonshik.

A few months ago, he'd have laughed at their faces if somebody suggested he'd be happy again.

Yet, here he is. 

Happiness seems like a word that falls short of what he feels at that moment


End file.
